


Enough I Am Not

by SkullChaser90



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 15:35:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6860998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkullChaser90/pseuds/SkullChaser90
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She blames herself for everything. Claiming that she will never be enough for somebody, anyone. All she wants is to be wanted in return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not an English native speaker. Unbeta-ed. All mistakes are mine. I don't own any characters.

“Regina, I’m sorry! Please forgive me!”

 

“Go away, Miss Swan!”

 

Emma is standing in front of Regina’s house, and as usual, once again the door is slammed up on her face. Clearly Regina is still angry with her since the night she came back with Killian and Marian in tow.

 

It has been a full month, and Emma has been trying to reach for Regina, but yet her efforts had been wasted and unappreciated. She has called and texted her albeit too many times, bought flowers and chocolates (‘cuz they are believed to make a girl happy), asking Henry of Regina’s wellbeing, and many more to add. But not a single one of them makes Regina forgives her mistake.

 

Emma has never felt utterly disappointed in herself. They were so close at being friends, might even become very good friends. But clearly cursing her own personality of being “The Saviour” could not bring the happy time with Regina back. Emma does not regret her action of saving Marian. But still, she curse. She curses at how her life turn around now. She curses at how she fails at being Regina’s friend. She curses at how she could not bring happiness to Regina’s life.

 

And she curses at how alone she feels right this moment.

 

Henry has insisted on living with Regina, saying that he needs to keep her mom company. Since she’s heartbroken and all. Emma has willingly agreed to it, partly because she feels so guilty, partly because at least that way she can still get an update about her.

 

Emma’s phone vibrates in her pocket. A message incoming. She checks it was from Henry.

 

**_Mom is still mad. I’m sorry, Ma._ **

 

Emma turns away and starts walking back to her bug. She casts a glance towards the mansion and wipes away the tears fallen on her cheeks. She feels so hurt inside, but she knows Regina feels a lot more than her. She sends a text back to Henry before driving back to her parents’ loft.

 

_I know, kid. It’s okay._

 

By the time she arrives at the parking spot, she wipes her faces, removing any traces that may show her crying activity just now. She can’t let her parents know how much she is emotionally affected. She grabs her phone on the passenger seat besides her and read the reply message from Henry.

 

**_I really hope and believe you guys could become friends again. Or maybe better._ **

 

_Yeah, me too. I’m sorry tho, kiddo. I’ve tried. Please take care of her, for me?_

 

She walks inside the apartment and saw her mother, Mary Margaret, or also known as Snow White, sitting on the couch, with baby Neal in her arms. She’s so focus on playing with Neal that she doesn’t even realize Emma’s existence. So Emma decides to shut the door with a little bit more force than necessary. The action seems to shock Snow and she turns towards Emma.

 

“Gosh, Emma. You scared me!”

 

“Sorry, guess I was a bit hard on that.” Emma smiles apologetically.

 

“It’s fine. Luckily your brother wasn’t as surprised as I was.” Emma cringes at the word ‘brother’. She is still unable to fully accept the reality of her life now. Her parents who have abandoned her, still alive (and around her age at that), living with the said parents. And now they have labored another child, and named him of her ex-boyfriend who impregnated her and sent her to prison.

 

“Emma?” She hears Snow’s voice and shakes out of her thoughts, keeping her face straight and poker again. As poker as she can muster.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Are you alright?” Her mother stares at her but with puzzling look on her face. The baby in her arms is cooing silently, Emma can’t help but to smile.

 

“As perfect as ever. Where’s Dad?” She looks around the loft, trying to sense David’s presence.

 

“Isn’t he at the station? And aren’t you supposed to be there too?” Snow shoots her a wary look.

 

“Oh, right. I was hungry. I just came back from Granny’s and now I feel like I need a bath.” Emma smiles sheepishly and starts walking towards her room.

 

“Oh, okay, run along then. I’ll call you for dinner later!” Emma hears Neal’s voice starting to cry and Snow hurries to calm him down.

 

“Yeah, sure!” She shouts back before closing her door shut.

 

Emma walks toward the small cabinet besides her bed. There is a photo in a frame under the lamp. A photo of her, Regina, and Henry in between. The photo was taken by Ruby when the three of them went for a dinner night a while back, when everything was okay between her and Henry’s adopted mother. There is a word written on the corner of the photo, small, but still visible. ‘Familia’. She picks the frame up and traces her finger on it, particularly on Regina’s face.

 

“I’m really sorry for ruining your life again, Regina. I hope we can be friends again, in another life. I love you.”

 

Emma whispers, voice as soft as feather, as smooth as wind in a silent night. She puts the frame back, the photo facing down, and open the first drawer, searching for something. As she finds it, she keeps telling herself,

 

‘I must do this. I am no Saviour. I am a Destroyer. Therefore I will have to go.’

 

She pulls out a small pocket knife and makes her way to the bathroom. She turns on the water, adjusting to appropriate temperature and puts the knife at the corner side of the tub. Then she strips, skin bare and naked as she was born before soaking herself in the warm water.

 

A heavy sigh comes out from her mouth and she closes her eyes. ‘Might as well enjoy my last bath’. Her mind drifts off to a person, who has always been occupying her mind and her dreams and her soul. Regina.

 

She remembers the first night she met Regina. When she saw her running out from the front door of her mansion. All worried and uneasy about losing Henry. But Emma has never seen someone nearly as beautiful as Regina. Emma remembers the snarls, the sneers, all the biting remarks and the good ‘eye-sex’ Regina has thrown at her. She remembers all the too close yet too far distance they had at the mine, and when Emma came to saw Regina’s beloved apple tree. She nearly kissed the mayor during those moments. Everything feels good. Makes her feel alive.

 

But no, life never plays fair. And it has never been in Emma’s life. Or maybe Regina’s. Emma remembers the time when she knew about Regina and Robin. Emma saw them kissing or make out with each other quite a few times already. Emma has seen how Regina really dressed up so beautifully, intoxicatingly breathtaking just for Robin, and she wishes it was for her instead. And Emma remembers how much it hurts her just to see Regina walking with Robin, and more of it. It feels like her heart has been slices everywhere, and she thinks if she can have a look at her own heart, she can literally see the slices.

 

And then after Marian was brought here, Emma saw first thing how Regina’s heart broke just from staring into her eyes. And whenever she watches Regina when she sees both Robin and his supposed-to-be-dead wife together. Emma is always watching her. Always. Oh, how much it breaks Emma whenever Regina is broken. From being slices, Emma feels like her heart has been crushed off to dust. And there is no more life in Regina’s eyes. Not unless if Henry is around her. Only Henry.

 

Emma is crying. She knows that much because her face feels wet, and she has not even dip her head in the bath yet. Emma reaches her phone and open for text messages. She types  a few words and sends to Regina. And then she types another and leaves the phone on top of the closed toilet bowl lid. Then she reaches for the knife and pulls out the blade towards her. She dips her head in, lets her body fully wet, before she prepares the blade on top of her left wrist.

 

And then she cuts.

 

First slice. And then there’s blood. And she starts sobbing.

 

And second. Deeper this time. More blood gushing out. And she starts screaming and sobbing and wailing. And screaming.

 

But she could not stop herself. So she continues. The clear water in the tub has become red now. But she pays no mind. Because she could not feel anything now. Her body feels numb. Her mind goes blank.

 

She could pick up some noises on the door, but it was momentary, before some memories play into her mind, turning her off from the real world. Memories of her life as a foster kid. Being sent everywhere, but she always ended up back in the foster home. Most of them were because she was not enough for them. And she will never be. Never enough as a daughter, never enough as lover, not for a family, not even for a person. And her world goes black.

 

_I’m sorry I’m not enough for you._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina's feelings. Henry's acceptance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided to continue this for a bit, because the idea just won't go away. All mistakes are mine. Thank you for reading!

“Go away, Miss Swan!”

 

Regina slams the door close, not wanting to see Emma’s face any second longer than necessary. She leans her back on the door, tears fall down her cheeks and she makes no attempt to wipe them away. 

 

Regina is furious when Emma destroys her life, again. Once, when she comes into the town and trying to take Henry away from her. (Well, not really, but that was what she felt at the time.) Then, when she comes barging into her life, into her heart, consoling her after her mother’s death. But the next thing she knows, Emma was kissing and ‘falling in love’ with the Captain Guyliner. And then seeing Emma’s dilemma when she met her old boyfriend who happened to be her son’s father.

 

Regina’s heart can not feel more torn apart than ever since she lost Daniel. She thought she could finally find a semblance of happiness when finally she got to meet her so called ‘Soulmate’ she should have known back in Enchanted Forest. Even in the expense of her feelings toward Emma, 

 

‘because Emma is an idiot and so dense and she will never realise my feelings towards her’.

 

But no. She still manage to breaks her heart again, by bringing back her Soulmate’s wife from the deathbed. And not only Regina’s chance of being happy is once again crushed, but seeing Emma and the Pirate almost all the time since they came back really, really makes her angry. So angry that she feels like throwing fireballs every time her eyes catches them together. Watching him follows her around everywhere with his lovesick puppy eyes and wagging tails, flirting and trying to get her into bed, really makes Regina feels so sick and furious that she wishes to cast a curse again.

 

Because Regina is always watching Emma Swan.

 

And because she loves her and their son, so she doesn’t cast another curse.

 

Regina appreciates every gestures and efforts that Emma makes to ask for her forgiveness. And she has already moves on past that. She no longer cares about Robin’s life, no more. But it doesn’t mean that she’s not hurting anymore. It still hurts, and she does not want to let anyone see just how much Emma affects her life and her heart. So she pushes the woman away.

 

She wants to find solace. In her life with her son, who wishes to be with her. Henry is the only source of happiness she has now. She will do whatever it takes to make sure the boy is happy. And she knows she will need to mend her broken relationship (friendship, really) with his other mother, but she need to mend her own heart first. And Henry gives her time, and will support her at every moment, because he has said so.

 

Regina can never be more proud of Henry.

 

“Mom?”

 

Henry’s voice breaks her trance. She wipes away her tears and all the traces off her face. She sits up on the couch, which she does not even realise when has she got there.

 

“Yes, Henry?” She smiles genuinely upon seeing Henry walking towards her. He sits next to her on the couch.

 

“Are you okay?” She watches the concern look in his eyes and she smiles. 

 

“Never better, my dear.” She combs his hair and brushes her thumb on his cheek.

 

“Are you still mad at Emma?” Henry reaches for her hands and hold them down, his eyes looking straight into her soul.

 

“What makes you think so?” 

 

“Because you still don’t want to talk to her.”

 

Regina sighs. “I am no longer mad at her.”

 

“I thought that you love her.” Regina is taken aback by this. Her eyes wide and her mouth open.

 

“And what, pray tell, makes you think that?” She squeaks. Regina Mills never squeak, for goodness sake.

 

“Well, I’ve seen how you guys look at each other. Interact with each other. They are kind of obvious, you know.” He shrugs, and lips curls into a smirk. Regina can literally see herself and Emma in their son, and she sighs. Nurture vs Nature thing.

 

“Is it really that obvious? I thought I hide it well enough.” She buries her face into her palms. It is embarrassing enough to be caught by someone, moreover her own child.

 

“It is, to people who are close enough to both of you.” His words caught her attention. She turns towards Henry.

 

“Wait, you said people?” He nods.

 

“Who else know about it?” She starts to feel dread. Henry’s eyes darted around, not looking at her.

 

“Err… Ruby, Granny, Grandma..”

 

“Snow knows?!” Her voice’s pitch higher.

 

“Among others.” He mutters and look down, his face turns to grimace. “I’m sorry, mom.”

 

Regina leans back on the couch and takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. “It’s fine. I’m fine.” She says, voice slow like whisper, but Henry still hears her.

 

“I don’t mind, you know. I’m happy even. But now, I can’t say that I am. I want you to be happy, mom. And Ma is an idiot. We both know that, right?”

 

She chuckles. Everyone knows Emma is an idiot. Her charming idiot. “Yeah.” She smiles that special smile reserves only for Henry, and Emma nowadays.

 

But then she remembers Emma and the Captain Guyliner and how they are always together, and it breaks her heart again. Henry senses this but before he is about to ask, he hears her whispering low, voice sounds dejected. 

 

“But she is already happy with Hook, and I don’t want to break her apart.”

 

‘I see.  _ That _ is why she doesn’t want to talk to Emma.’ Henry thinks and smirks, because he can, and because she is not looking at him now. It is so easy to read her mother nowadays.

 

“Actually, Ma has already broken up with him. Said that she couldn’t keep up with his energy, and she needed space.”

 

“Really?! When?” Regina sits up and grabs both Henry’s shoulders. Henry startles about the reaction, and tries his best not to laugh at how amusing he feels right now.

 

“A couple of weeks already. But Hook is so persistent. It’s kind of annoying, really” His lips curls up at the corner, partly in disgust, partly amuse.

 

“That guy has never been anything but annoying.” They both chuckles, which turn into laughter. It feels so good to be able to laugh again.

 

“I love you so much, Henry. I really am so proud of you.” She speaks after calming down from the good laughs and kisses Henry’s forehead.

 

“Why? Because I feel annoyed at Hook?” He snorts.

 

“That’s one of the reasons.” She smirks and shakes her head before pulling him into her embrace.

 

“I love you too, Mom. Let’s find your happiness.” He mutters and gives her mother a good comforting hug. And then they let go.

 

“I’m going to make dinner. Go and do whatever you want, I’ll call for you later. Is lasagna okay?”

 

“Perfect!” Henry beams and runs upstairs towards his room.

 

Regina starts walking towards the washroom to wash her face and get rid of her smudgy makeup due to the crying before. She then goes to the kitchen and starts taking out all the necessary ingredients and apparatus for making lasagna for three. She is going to make dinner, then calls Emma to invite her later, and maybe they can have heart-to-heart talk. It feels good to let out to Henry, but it may even be better if she could tell Emma personally about her feeling, before anyone else does.

 

She finishes her cooking as quickly as possible, and after she put the baking tray in the oven, she searches for her phone. She sees a few missed call from her arch-nemesis and a text message. She forgets to turn her phone back from silent to not. Ignoring the missed calls, she goes straight for the message. It was from Emma, around fifteen minutes ago.

 

_ Regina, I am deeply sorry for destroying your happiness, again. I know I made you a promise of finding your happiness, but I have failed in doing so. But I know Henry is, and forever will be your chance of happiness, so rest assured I will never take him away from you. You are the greatest mother and the most wonderful person I have ever known. I am very grateful that Henry has you in his life. I love you, Regina. I have always been. I promise to give you happiness, if given the chance. Take care of yourself, and Henry. _

 

_ Love, ES xx _

 

Regina’s heart starts to beat fast. There is a bad feeling about the text. ‘This can not be good.’ She is happy that her feeling is mutual, and reciprocates, but she can not help but feeling dreadful. The message contains a hidden message. It sounds like a goodbye. ‘Is Emma going to run away? From Storybrooke?’

 

Before she could ponder more about it, there is a loud banging on the front door. Her heart is beating wildly now, she feels like she just finished running a marathon. She hurries towards the noise and open the door, only to see David in her foyer. His face is as white as a sheet of paper. He is breathing frantically.

 

“Regina! Emma.. Emma is…”

 

“Emma is what?!” Regina senses the emergency, and she wonders if her thought is coming true. But what she hears next is even worse.

  
“DEAD!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Teachers' Day today in my country. So Happy Teachers' Day too every teacher, professor, lecturer, speaker, basically everyone who educate other people out there! Hope you have a blast day!


End file.
